less talk and less emotion please
Go ahead. Judge it by its cover.
For me, 1995 doesn’t seem so long ago. I had great hair then, and so many mistakes still to make, but it seems like yesterday. Until I see the cover for Tom Phelan’s 1995 parenting blockbuster, 1-2-3 Magic. What’s with those fonts? That colour scheme? The terrifying white family in matching shirts?
And the basic premise of its “effective discipline” seems even more dated than its cover.
When your kid misbehaves, tell them, “That’s one.” When they do it again, say, “That’s two.” And on three you apply a consequence—ideally one that’s been explicitly stated in advance—and do so without any lecturing or animosity.
“We’re at the mall and you keep grabbing things from store shelves? You need to stop. On three we’re leaving.” Then follow through. It sounds overly simplistic, and prone to harshness. It makes me think of a story my late father would tell. Jack Hails liked a good story.
A couple marries after a whirlwind romance. They leave for their honeymoon in a new horse and carriage. The road is full of potholes (I think this takes place in Saskatchewan), and the horse stumbles.
“That’s one,” says the groom. And they continue on their way. The bride wonders what he means. A few miles later, the wind blows dust into the horse’s face and spooks him a little.
“That’s two,” the groom says. The bride looks at him quizzically, and they keep travelling. Soon, it starts to rain, and the horse slips in a puddle.
“That’s three,” says the groom. He takes a gun from under the seat and shoots the horse in the head.
The bride recoils in terror, and loses her temper.
“Why did you do that? The horse was doing his best! Who’s going to pull the carriage now? You want me to walk? With my luggage? On our honeymoon? Through this mud? In my wedding dress? Why did I ever marry you??” She throws her bouquet onto the muddy road and waits for an answer from her new husband.
“That’s one,” says the groom.
Thanks, Dad. That story has no place in this blog post, and yet there it is.
Except that if the 1-2-3 Magic technique is done with transparency, logical consequences, and kindness, it can actually be effective. Really, it can. And even better, the book and its technique point out two mistakes we often make when setting limits or correcting behaviour with our kids.
And my clinical work shows me that what works with kids isn’t so different from what works with grownups. That we make these two mistakes in peak, critical, confrontational moments with adults, too.
The two mistakes?
Too much talk.
Too much emotion.
Of course need to talk and we need to show emotion. But in crux moments, like applying a consequence for your kid’s actions, words and feelings can get in the way.
So set the boundary or state the rule. But don’t bang on and on about it. And when the line is crossed and the rubber hits the road, do what you said you were going to do. But don’t make a speech. Nobody’s listening anyway, and too much talk at that point only makes it worse.
And when you follow through, don’t get emotional. I mean, you can feel frustration, impatience, anger. But don’t wave it in people’s faces. Keep a lid on that stuff until you have space and time to deal with it. Go for a walk, talk about it with someone else, lock yourself in the bathroom and cry. Later.
The moment of reacting in a predictable, logical way isn’t about your feelings. It’s about teaching a boundary, reinforcing a lesson, helping someone learn from a mistake. Once you put your emotions on the table, it seems like your emotions are the important thing. And the important thing should be the behaviour, the lesson being taught, your child dealing with it and growing from it.
In case you missed the memo, your feelings are real and important, but they aren’t your kid’s—or anybody else’s—responsibility.
I try to remember these two mistakes in every difficult exchange. Heightened moments like giving someone bad news are way better with less talk, less emotion.
Oh, and my dad’s story is just a story. Please don’t shoot any horses. But really, don’t talk so much, and don’t spray your feelings all over a moment that’s about someone else’s growth.