lessons from the marshmallow test
Why Being Able to Wait Is Important (And How to Do It)
“The Marshmallow Test” is a psychological study from the 1960s. Children were given a marshmallow—but they could earn an extra one by waiting a few minutes without eating the first one. Some kids could wait a long time, and some ate the marshmallow right away. It’s a great metaphor for life choices: Can I delay something I want so I can have something better later? By watching the kids and checking in years later, the scientists learned these things:
Self-control isn’t really about will power; it’s about strategies.
These strategies can be taught.
Children who master those strategies find it easier to do all of these things as they grow up:
Show confidence
Rely on themselves
Resist temptation
Pay attention
Go farther in school
Build stronger relationships
Avoid drug use
Handle frustration
Strategies for self-control
Think of “future you”
(I’ll be happier tonight if I’ve done my homework already.)
Identify temptation hot spots
(I know when my friends are being loud, I’ll be tempted, too.)
Have an if-then plan
(If I go to get more ice cream, I’ll go play outside instead.)
In your mind, make the “hot” temptation cooler
(It’s not delicious, it’s just round and squishy and meh.)
In your mind, make the “cool” reward hotter
(The two marshmallows will be so satisfying!)
Pep-talk yourself
(I know how to do this.)
How Parents Can Help
Model it—think out loud when you’re delaying gratification for yourself. We know kids learn the most from what they see us do.
Don’t shelter kids from the natural teaching consequences of their actions. One of the toughest parts of parenting is watching our kids suffer because of a bad choice. Be present to them, support them, and keep them safe. But if they eat the marshmallow, it’s important for them to lose the second marshmallow. If they don’t do the homework, it’s good to let them get a bad mark. If they let a friend down, it’s valuable for them to risk losing that friend.