things that don’t help

Things That Don’t Help

Here’s a list of things that sometimes help us survive difficult moments, but get in the way of what we need to do. Our emotions want us to feel them, and not do these other things until we’ve felt and expressed them first:

• Pushing the emotions down.

• Pretending everything is okay.

• Being positive no matter what.

• Trying to be calm all the time.

• Using our self-regulation skills to make the emotion smaller.

• Changing our perspective to feel better so we can avoid the emotion.

Versions of those strategies might be helpful after we’ve had the courage and good sense to feel, and thus resolve, the difficult emotion. First, we have to experience and try to identify what we’re feeling.

What’s so great about feeling and expressing something awful?

Well, then the emotion will have been felt and named. It’ll have done its job, and it’ll rest. Very soon, you’ll move forward with a lighter heart. You’ll have bounced back—that’s what resilience is. Sometimes you’ll remember the tough emotional time. And someday you’ll go through similar moments. But you’ll recognize the emotions more quickly this time.

And you won’t be scared to pay attention, feel the emotions, name them, and move on again.